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Assault on America, Day 393: ‘Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg, and I accept the Dem nomination’

Bloomberg and Klobuchar
Things are tense in Washington these days… and we’re not just talking about impeachment. Imagine this scenario… in the hallowed halls of the Democrat National Committee offices:

--“Get Mike Bloomberg on the phone, or even better yet, tell him to get his Gotham City Republican-to-Independent-to-Democrat rear end in here to talk about stuff,” said Democrat National Committee Chairman Tom Perez in an exasperated voice.

“Yes sir, my comrade!” shouted a dedicated Ivy League-schooled Democrat intern who then rushed to fulfill the man’s directive -- or at least get far enough away from the epicenter to easily avoid any airborne projectiles hurled in his direction.

Perez leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling, nervously tapping a pen against the teeth in his half opened mouth, a ritual he unconsciously performs in moments of high anxiety and stress. The Democrat leader’s found himself in the same position a lot lately, so much so that the lumbar support on his one-of-a-kind leather office chair started failing and his incisors (front teeth) felt as though they’re about to chip under the chairman’s relentless rhythmic pounding.

Perez elaborated to the empty room, “Here we are just days from the Iowa caucuses, our House managers are doing a terrific job of smearing Trump in the certain-to-succeed impeachment trial, and our senator presidential candidates and Joe Biden are receiving tremendous and glowing news reporting and exposure from our friends in the establishment media. CNN -- those guys are my homies!” Perez granted himself a brief smile at the thought, especially since no one else could see him crack it.

“By design, nobody’s talking about how our potential nominees are all ancient and borderline senile,” Tom went on. “Nancy Pelosi has become a national celebrity with a wonderful fashion sense and people are even starting to mention Adam Schiff’s name as a possible replacement candidate if the voters can’t make up their minds between (Joe) Biden, Bernie (Sanders) and…. Bloomberg.”

Perez spat out the latter name as though an ant had crawled into his upper orifice, the taste so revolting and unwelcome it seemed as though his mouth was contaminated for centuries, like the gradually decomposing nuclear waste at Yucca mountain.

Just then a knock broke the tranquility. “Little Mike” Bloomberg, all five-foot-eight inches of him, emerged from the obscured, darkened hallway. “You wanted to see me, Tom?” Bloomberg asked as though he’d been summoned to the head master’s office as a teen (which for the (almost) 78-year-old would be way back in the 1950’s). “Normally I don’t take orders from anyone, but I happened to be walking past DNC headquarters here on my way to another TV spot shoot and decided to heed that Antifa youth’s call to ‘get in here and talk about stuff’. You know how violent they get if you don’t give them everything they demand right away -- and throw in a climate change plug, too.”

The comment went without response as Perez continued staring into the undefined nothingness of the dot pattern on the roof of his office. “What exactly do you want from me?”

“Much,” the pompous idiot Perez retorted, suddenly springing to life like Jacob Marley speaking to Ebenezer Scrooge. “You might be the richest guy since the pharaohs of Timbuktu, but it ain’t right for you to mess up our presidential race by skipping the early states and simply dumping money into media ads like they’re going out of style. We’re supposed to be the party of the little guy and no one I know -- other than maybe (Tom) Steyer -- can just wake up one morning and pledge to devote a billion bucks to his presidential campaign as if he were pouring Aunt Jemima’s buttery syrup on a stack of kale pancakes. That’s more like Trump than us. We’re Democrats, and we hate him.”

Bloomberg frowned at Perez’s curious analogy. Of course he was no big fan of sugary stuff that tastes good (drink bans?), but who the heck would actually choose to eat kale pancakes?

Perez’s monologue droned on, “We’re just a couple days away from the Iowa caucuses, the next debate is next week, too, and I’m getting a lot of pressure to change the inclusion rules to accommodate you. Where the he-l do you get off self-funding your campaign and refusing to take checks from welfare dependents in the big urban centers like Bernie Sanders does -- which is required for you to get an invitation to appear on stage with the other celebrities… I mean candidates.”

Bloomberg scoffed at the notion -- Pfft! -- so Perez added, “What’s Kamala Harris and Cory Booker gonna say if we alter the standards for some wealthy dude with his own media empire? It’s too late for them.”

Bloomberg briefly considered getting up and stomping out without offering another word, but opted to put Perez in his place instead. “Let’s get one thing straight here, pal,” Little Mike instructed in his best “I’m a cocktail party-hardened tough guy from New York” accent, “This is my party now. I don’t need your money, your machine or your endorsements from Hillary Clinton or that airheaded twit Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I’m pushing 80 and can buy anything I want with my fortune. And that includes you.”

Perez’s jaw went agape as he contemplated the sheer audacity of the little man’s intractability. Who does he think he is, Harvey Weinstein? How dare he? Doesn’t Bloom-bud realize that all he has to do is grovel a bit and cut a nice fat check to the DNC for me to wave my hands and change the debate inclusion criteria? Bernie Sanders will groan and kvetch, but who cares? Where’s the deference? Where’s the love?

The brief interlude concluded without a resolution. Neither Perez nor Bloomberg was certain how events would evolve starting next week in Iowa. No fool -- or candidate -- had ever tried to overlook the typically all-important early state voting primaries and still win a party nomination. But these are strange times.

--Yes, this was another fictitious look at a meeting that never happened, but the fact Democrats are upset about Bloomberg horning in on their party’s elitist process is very real. Just this week none other than Amy Klobuchar said she felt Bloomberg needed to be on stage at the next debate instead of hiding behind consultant concocted advertisements. Julia Manchester reported at The Hill, “Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) said on Tuesday that fellow Democratic presidential hopeful Michael Bloomberg should be on the debate stage, saying voters should get a chance to evaluate him as he pours money into Super Tuesday states.

“’I'd be fine with him being on the debate stage because I think that instead of just putting your money out there, he's actually got to be on the stage and be able to go back and forth so voters can evaluate him in that way,’ Klobuchar said during an appearance on MSNBC's ‘Morning Joe.’ ...

“’I think he could have done it if he wanted to get some donors and if he wanted to be on the ballot in the early stages, but he didn't want to do that, so that means you have to wait for the Super Tuesday time,’ she said. ‘I don't know when that debate is scheduled but there better be one.’”

Oh there’ll be one. More like three more debates before the Super Tuesday primaries. The first is next week on February 7 (what a fun Friday evening!) after Monday’s Iowa Caucuses, the next is set for February 19 in Las Vegas, Nevada -- after New Hampshire votes on February 11 -- and the third will take place on February 25, a few days before the South Carolina primary on February 29 (yes, it’s leap year!).

As of now Bloomberg isn’t invited to any of them, but Tom Perez can switch things around with a snap of his leftist former Labor Secretary fingers and make an exception if he desires it. Unlike with the first few debates, there are only a handful of candidates with a ghost of a chance at actually winning the nomination, so it wouldn’t hurt to say “Okay, Mike, you can come and participate. Stand next to Pete…he’ll make you look like you’re a hundred!”

Besides, Klobuchar is right (for the first time?). If Bloomberg is to be part of the overall process -- and some polls have him registering at double-digits nationally (higher than Pete Buttigieg) -- he needs to be seen with the others so voters can make a fair comparison. Both Bernie Sanders and “Pocahontas” Warren have been very vocal about the omni-presence of billionaires in politics (an obvious jab at Trump, too) and thus far Bloomberg hasn’t had to endure their wrath face-to-face. Tom Steyer has -- but the loon’s never been more than an afterthought in the big scheme of things.

The howdy-doody looking climate change obsessed doofus from California -- Steyer -- hovers at around two percent nationally and likely won’t even be around after Iowa and New Hampshire weigh-in, unless he chooses to remain in the race because he doesn’t have anything better to do. Bloomberg’s already stolen his thunder by wasting $270 million (according to Manchester’s article) of his own dough on a media blitz that’s featured oppressive numbers of TV ads and a 2.5 million-recipient-strong direct mail campaign. TV station managers are happy. They don’t even have to work hard to sell airtime when Mike opens his wallet.

Whatever Bloomberg’s doing appears to be paying off for him. But it’s seemingly impossible to picture “Little Mike” capturing the big prize without appearing with the other candidates in a debate. It’s beyond bizarre to envision his first real introduction as being before the party faithful at the quadrennial convention next summer. “I’m Mike Bloomberg and I accept your nomination for president of the United States.”

There’d be a revolt. The “Bernie Bros” wouldn’t be as accommodating this year. Bet on it.

Thankfully, President Trump won’t have similar exposure issues. Unlike four years ago, this year’s GOP convention looks to be a very unified and inclusive event. There’s anecdotal evidence from the enthusiasm of Trump’s rally supporters -- and there’s hard data to back up the premise, too. Trump Campaign Manager Brad Parscale wrote at Townhall, “After attending dozens of Trump rallies throughout the country, I can definitively say that there is no politician in America who is capable of uniting voters like this president — and the data we’ve gathered from these events proves it. As I’ve been saying since 2016, data doesn’t lie.

“Out of more than 20,000 identified voters who came to a recent Trump rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 57.9 percent did not have a history of voting for Republicans. Remarkably, 4,413 attendees didn’t even vote in the last election — a clear indication that President Trump is energizing Americans who were previously not engaged in politics.

“The Milwaukee rally wasn’t exceptional in that respect. It was just like other rallies the president has held all over the country.”

Numbers don’t lie, and let’s hope they don’t deceive either. What we see on TV at Trump’s appearances can’t be faked. Those throngs of admirers aren’t showing up to see Joe Biden or Amy Klobuchar or “Pocahontas” Warren… or Michael Bloomberg in the same way. It’s highly doubtful the Democrats’ events draw high percentages of independents or Republicans, too.

But to be fair, Trump is a unifying force in another, less beneficial (to the republic) way. His successful agenda and powerful personality drive Democrats into a tizzy, craving to cast him out (via impeachment or in November) of office.

These are strange days when a candidate creates a large following by skipping most of the traditional party nominating process events, but Mike Bloomberg appears to be doing it. Democrats aren’t nearly as unified as the media would have Americans believe, a problem Trump doesn’t need to worry about.

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