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Assault on America, Day 471: Obama endorsed ‘ol Joe Biden. Here’s how it (probably) happened

Obama endorses Biden
When the ‘Big O’ moment arrived, Joe was insensible …

(Somewhere in a coronavirus-proof basement bunker in Delaware.)

“Joe. Joe. Jjjjooooeeee! Wake up and snap out of it!” shouted an aide to Democrat nominee-to-be Joe Biden, hoping to jolt the 77-year-old career politician back to consciousness. ‘These episodes happen all too frequently,’ the woman thought, again worrying that the dedicated soul who’d dutifully trailed Barack Obama like a slobbering lap dog for eight years might not have enough brain function left to make it to November’s election.

‘Whatever happens after inauguration day is another matter (the 25th amendment allows for cabinet officers and the vice president to remove a sitting president, doesn’t it?) -- we just have to keep Joe awake and away from live questioning for another seven months.’

An hour earlier the leading Democrat presidential contender pompously announced his intention to “meditate” and wasn’t to be disturbed, which was poorly disguised code for needing a snooze while slouching in his favorite comfortable recliner. After gobbling a light breakfast each morning Biden settles down with a staff-prepared printout of the morning headlines, concisely organized on a little movable table to accentuate the best polling news. Bored sick on self-imposed home confinement, the old geezer engendered much sympathy from those serving him.

The aide’s frantic tapping prompted Biden to gradually open his tired eyes, whereupon he stared at her for ten seconds straight, the time required to recognize a face he’d known since their character assassination days (of Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas) in the Senate Judiciary Committee. Like a computer that has difficulty waking up after a long period of inactivity, Grampa Joe doesn’t always respond to the gentle pushing of a few proverbial buttons, the slowly rotating blue circle of death eternally revolving behind his barely functioning ocular sockets.

“Hey, quit poking me or I’ll fire your a--, you dog faced pony soldier!,” the startled grouchy old coot barked. “I’m gonna be president and you’d better remember that I can get rid of you quicker than Hillary Clinton scrubbed her email server clean of all those incriminating messages.”

The aide didn’t flinch at the warning. She knew Biden wouldn’t remember the incident in an hour or so, the ravages of age and too many tall tales having robbed the longtime politician of most of his wits. Like an alcoholic who can’t recall the blacked out details of last evening’s drinking rampage -- but still realizes he’s locked in a jail cell in the morning -- Grampa Joe wondered what was up this time.

“Joe, Barack is on the phone and he wants to talk to you about an endorsement. It’s finally time, Joe! Even though he waited until every last undeserving rival dropped out, the big ‘O’ is making his move right now! You gotta suck down a quick cup ‘o Joe and take his call.”

Blinking himself awake -- sort of -- Biden reached for the flashing speaker button on his rotary dial phone and opened his mouth. “Barack my mentor and friend, how are you this fine morning?” Not knowing what else to say, Joe continued, “Wednesday was tax day -- every Democrat’s favorite twenty-four hours of the year -- did you remember to get your returns in on time?”

“No, Joe,” Obama sighed patiently but with annoyance. “Didn’t you realize that Trump ordered the IRS to postpone the deadline due to the coronavirus? As always, me ‘n Michelle jiggered the loopholes so we don’t pay a dime in taxes this year -- and they don’t owe us anything either. So we filed an extension to keep those Trump clowns at bay for another three months.”

Biden guffawed at the former president’s attempted humor, admiring the man who’d managed to win two terms as president without having previously done a darn thing to deserve serious consideration, something that wouldn’t fly in today’s more reality-based and qualifications demanding political environment. “Dude, you’re amazing. After all, you were the first mainstream African-American who was articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man”, the two-term veep blubbered, reminiscing on the old days when the two of them took over DC and made the stupid party (the GOP) justify its nickname.

“Joe, I thought I told you never to bring up the ‘clean and articulate and good looking’ thing again,” Barack shot back sternly. “It makes me look like I only won the election because of my race and ability to read a teleprompter. You know more than anyone mine was a movement to transform this country into the world’s most contemptible politically correct socialist shi- I mean hell-hole. As I always commanded when we were in the White House together, keep your God-forsaken claptrap shut and just smile a lot.”

“Yes sir!” Joe reacted instinctively, having been scolded in a similar manner hundreds of times in the past twelve trips around the sun. ‘Dangit, I gotta remember that I can’t talk to the ‘Big O’ that way. Maybe he won’t endorse me after all’ Joe worried to himself.

Obama alleviated Biden’s fears a millisecond later. “I’ll get to the point. I told the media the other day that I’m endorsing you, Joe. Bernie Sanders finally responded to my persistent begging to pull back on all that socialism talk and get behind you. That was what I was waiting for, but let’s face it, for a long time there it looked like you were going down,” Obama intentionally poorly suppressed a condescending giggle, marveling at his pal’s near political death after the Nevada caucuses and the pain it must have inflicted on the doofus.

“Thanks, man,” Biden unsuspectingly answered. “I knew you’d come through. After all, who else would you have chosen, ‘Pocahontas’ Warren? She’s a wacko, just like Bernie. I was worried you might back Kamala or Booker because they fit the demographic qualifications, but let’s face it, they suck as candidates.”

Obama didn’t say anything, having already tired of the conversation. The worst kept secret in swamp politics is Barack can’t stand Biden, considering him nothing more than an idiotic political placeholder in history, an old white guy viewed as a “moderate” who would’ve helped him win over Reagan Democrats in the rust belt. In that sense, the former chief was glad he’d listened to his wife back in ’08 and chose the race-questionable Joe to run with him.

“Anyway, gotta run, bro-Joe.” Obama said hurriedly. “I found a golf course that will let me play with anyone I bring without asking if they’ve had a coronavirus immunity test performed. Me and Eric Holder are gonna schmooze a couple big party donors who are cutting checks for my presidential library by shooting a hundred and fifty and letting ‘em win. Good luck, bud, and if I have anything to add I’ll be sure and drop you a line. I’ll remember not to call at this hour next time…I know how much you relish your nap time.”

Biden curbed a return insult, realizing it might cost him dearly. “You always make me feel younger and smarter, Barack. Hit ‘em straight and I’ll talk to ya in August at the convention.”

Talk of Biden pondering Michelle Obama for his running mate is no fallacy

--The above is a fictional (?) depiction of a real event, for sure. But it couldn’t have been easy for Grampa Joe to wait all these months to receive the nod from his former boss, especially when the entire world watched and wondered why the endorsement was delayed for so agonizingly long. For their part, Democrats would do anything to return to the “glory” days of Obama, including perhaps floating Michelle Obama’s name for Biden’s number two.

Paul Bedard reported at The Washington Examiner, “Former first lady Michelle Obama is back in play big time as a favorite to be Joe Biden’s running mate.

“As Sen. Bernie Sanders on Monday made a surprise endorsement of Biden in a warm and humorous video chat, the focus turned to Biden’s pick for vice president and gambling markets charted by saw a surge of support for Obama. ‘Michelle Obama has been the most backed person in the market, accounting for almost 32% of all bets,’ the firm said...

“In the Oddschecker analysis, headlined ‘2020 US Election Odds: Michelle Obama Backed To Be Joe Biden's Vice President,’ Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s odds of being picked by Biden are also rising, to 6-1. She has had on-and-off fights with Trump over the administration’s response to the coronavirus.”

Well, if being female and dumb as bricks and a petty nanny-state tyrant is a prerequisite for Grampa Joe’s running mate, Whitmer would win hands down. The Michigander drew headlines the past week by dictating that her constituents be prevented from buying tomato seeds due to coronavirus social-distancing. Talk about leadership!

(Note: Bedard’s piece indicated Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar are sinking in the odds.)

Michelle Obama, on the other hand, is no dummy. She’s a cold, calculating panther of a would-be politician who probably was responsible for managing her husband’s public persona during his working days. Barack was said to keep no close personal friends, probably because he didn’t feel he needed to. Anyone who saw Michelle’s convention speeches knows she’s a master at the game. Whether she (as depicted above) told Barry to choose Biden in ’08 is just historical speculation -- but it’s safe to say he doesn’t do anything without his wife’s say-so.

As for the possibility of Michelle running with Joe this year, it’s already a widespread rumor, but I don’t think she’d ever do it. The former FLOTUS herself has repeatedly denied she’s interested in running for office, and in this case, she should be believed. First and foremost, the Obamas would never settle for playing second fiddle to a doddering dolt like Biden. Barack reportedly tried numerous times to talk Joe out of running, in 2016 and again last year (or earlier).

Second, Biden himself wouldn’t agree to it. Though he’s announced he’ll choose a woman and would love to team with a minority female with a high profile, the last thing he’d want is a “partner” like Michelle Obama who’d be one step behind him at all times waiting for the failing president to resign and remove himself as incompetent. If Michelle were the next in line, I’d hate to be the president’s food taster at state dinners!

Lastly, Barack wouldn’t dream of allowing his legacy to be any more tarnished than it already has been by Biden running and making a donkey of himself. Biden hasn’t even proven proficient at defending the Obama administration’s signature “accomplishment,” Obamacare. Does anyone think he’d let Joe complete the destruction with his wife standing at the guy’s side?

Trump campaign couldn’t care less about Obama’s much overdue endorsement

Whatever the case, it didn’t sound like President Donald Trump’s campaign was impressed by Obama’s tardy gesture. Campaign Manager Brad Parscale said in a statement, “Barack Obama spent much of the last five years urging Joe Biden not to run for president out of fear that he would embarrass himself. Now that Biden is the only candidate left in the Democrat field, Obama has no other choice but to support him. Even Bernie Sanders beat him to it. Obama was right in the first place: Biden is a bad candidate who will embarrass himself and his party. President Trump will destroy him.”

Parscale is correct, and maybe that’s the biggest reason why Obama waited so long to endorse his longtime helper and bosom political buddy, and why wife Michelle won’t come within social-distancing reach of Biden’s candidacy as Joe’s running mate. The Obamas see polls where Biden is currently leading Trump but they know who’s much more likely to prevail on Election Day.

Conservatives may not agree with the Obamas but we concede that they’re not losers. Any takers for a bet on whether Barack and Michelle would risk everything just for the chance of standing in the background for Joe Biden? No way! Endorsements don’t mean much today, but non-endorsements do. Waiting all this time to choose Joe spoke volumes.

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