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Assault on America, Day 483: Dopey Joe’s make- believe presser not a dream -- it’s a nightmare

Grampa Joe press conference
“President” Joe Biden presides over a COVID-19 presser… a glimpse of the Democrat replacement crew


Throughout the crisis foisted on America by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) virus (commonly referred to as the novel coronavirus -- it’s a majestic sounding name, isn’t it?), Democrats and their ideological media soulmates have critiqued and chastised President Donald Trump for his frequent news conferences featuring members of the task force he assembled to combat the worldwide pandemic. It’s reasonable to say, most of the criticisms have been off-base and politically motivated.

So, in the interest of fairness, we will provide an imaginary glimpse of what a Joe Biden coronavirus press conference would look and sound like if he were president. Last Friday I offered a brief fictional preview of what a future Grampa Joe media event might entail and a few folks commented that it would be fascinating to contemplate what Biden would say and do, today, if he were in Trump’s size 12 shoes.

As a result, let’s pretend it’s real: put your imaginations to work and envision back in early February, Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi convinced (bribed?) twenty-plus Republican senators, including Mitch McConnell, to convict Trump of whatever he was accused of (obstruction of justice, was it?), then kept the trial convened until Mike Pence was similarly cashiered by the appropriately attired swampy torch bearing witch hunters.

As the constitutional next-in-line to the presidency, Pelosi took over and subsequently resigned so as to maintain her position as Speaker (who knows if she could even simultaneously be a member of Congress and President at the same time). Before she officially bowed out, however, San Fran Nan employed her newfound authority to appoint Grampa Joe as her political heir.

At that exact moment the coronavirus panic hit and there wasn’t time for the Supreme Court to gather a quorum (rumor has it that Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and Stephen Breyer kidnapped Brett Kavanaugh and headed for the secret bunker where the president would go in case of a nuclear attack to hide out until November) to decide on the constitutionality of the succession. So, Joe Biden became the nation’s 46th president.

Sometime last week…

President Joe: “Good morning everyone (it was actually 5 p.m., EDT). What a glorious day, ain’t it? I’d love to give each of you a big hug and stick my sniffer in your scalp but someone told me we needed to social distance and chat about the corona-thing. So, I’m pleased to report that my administration has called on the Federal Reserve to keep the cash printing presses running twenty-four seven, but then my treasury secretary, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, said you can dream up a lot more dollars just by creating them on a computer. So I added a few zeroes on the end of the figures Congress sent over and we’re in the process of distributing the credit farce to the states and cities, with priority given to those that grant sanctuary to illegal aliens, of course.

“Since most people understand that I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about -- and I’m not even sure where I am -- let me introduce today’s speakers. First, we’ll hear from my young and shapely vice president, Gretchen Whitmer (an aide approaches and pointedly whispers something in Biden’s ear). Oh… sorry… (Biden nods his head and blinks a couple times) I meant to say… my over-qualified and smarter than heck V.P. That works. After Gretch finishes, my attorney general, Kamala Harris, will brief us all on the status of lawsuits against Trump for being slow to react to this thing while he was still in office.

“Then my special envoy on healthcare, Hillary Clinton, will have her say, followed by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who’s visiting us today from the left coast, Majority Leader (the Republicans who voted for conviction switched parties, led by Mitt Romney) ‘Chucky’ Schumer, and next, my expert on consumer spending and squashing the Trump-loving small business owners, Elizabeth Warren. And finally, there’s my guy in the corner there -- I mean the head of the Eliminating Economic Activity Bureau, Bernie Sanders.”

A member of the media spoke up. “Joe, what about the doctors? When can we hear from them?” Biden let out a hearty belly laugh, bellowing, “Doctors? We don’t need no stinkin’ doctors!”

All but a couple of the media members broke into thunderous applause as President Joe stepped to the background while surreptitiously maintaining a close enough position to let his hands do the walking as Whitmer stealthily approached the microphone.

Vice President Whitmer: “Hi everybody! The prez told me to keep it short so he can talk more, so I just wanna tell everyone how great it is to live in a big house in Washington DC and have the privilege of being able to like, dictate, oops, I mean determine, what is essential and permissible for all 330 million Americans to buy and eat. We care so much about each life out there -- and there’s lots of people who’re going to vote by mail in November, so we need to make sure no one ventures out of their houses or garages unnecessarily. Therefore, we’ve ordered pizza for everyone! It was Grampa Joe’s idea and his name is on the box! You won’t need to get out of bed if you don’t want to, enjoy!”

Out of view of the cameras President Joe patted her on the upper thigh, then called Pelosi to the podium. The shocked Speaker was still licking her lips trying to remove the final vestiges of chocolate ice cream from her face and (correctly) thought she wasn’t supposed to speak until Harris and Clinton had had their turns anyway. Nevertheless, she sauntered to the spotlight with a cute-as-a-button little spot of chocolate protruding from the tip of her elitist nose.

Speaker Pelosi: “Thanks, Joe. I mean Mr. President. Still having a hard time getting used to calling you that, but hey, I was the one who did it. We Democrats plan to save everyone from extinction while tearing down Trump’s heinous racist wall and I’d like to announce, today, that we’ve convinced Joe to use the Defense Production Act to order manufacturers to build big huge freezers so everyone can stock up on ice cream just like I did before Easter! It’s gotten me through these tough times, ya know? We’re also running a bill through the House to grant two free pints of the cold stuff for each family who votes for us. We’ve got your names and we know where you live. Vote accordingly!”

Kamala Harris shot fellow northern Californian Pelosi a nasty scowl as the Speaker left the room, not even pausing to look back. “First of all, SHE wasn’t supposed to talk before ME, okay?” Harris pointed her finger and snorted accusingly in Joe’s direction. “That’s a racist thing and I don’t appreciate it. The black woman is always shoved to the back of the speakers list” (Biden ignored her, too busy assessing the scent of Whitmer’s neck). “If it weren’t for the chance to sue the Trump people in f’ing Iowa, I’d quit right now. Don’t worry, we’re doing some nasty sh--, I mean stuff -- to ‘deplorables’ rednecks everywhere.”

Then Hillary Clinton was on. Still nursing a hangover from the previous evening’s Chardonnay binge, the 2016 Democrat nominee kept it brief. “At Joe’s authorization, we’re sending headache pain relief to the whole country. I’ve tested it myself, every day since November 8, 2016. It works, trust me. Even if you’re humiliated before the entire country, it makes you forget about how much you hate your Secret Service detail.”

Joe took a second or two respite from admiring Whitmer’s shampoo and perfectly styled coiffure, and in Biden-like fashion announced the next speaker. “Take ‘er awaaaaayyyyyy, Chucky!”

Chucky Schumer: “Thanks, Joe. Seems like forever since our days in the Senate, doesn’t it? I won’t comment on the fact my glasses always look like they’re about to fall off my nose. All the people need to know is we’ve got every Republican locked up in the basement so we can pass each item on the president’s wish-list without delay. We’ll get the bills so loaded with pork you’d think the president was Oscar Meyer himself. Hoot, hoot!”

“You’re next, Liz!” Biden didn’t even bother stepping onto the dais to announce it. “I just got one thing to say,” Warren blubbered, her piercing bird-like stare boring into the media admirers. “Corporations and the wealthy started this thing and we’re gonna make sure there’s a big huge tax slapped on all of ‘em and people won’t need a job anymore because the rich are paying for everything from now on!” “Pocahontas” vowed, shaking with rage as she spoke. The former Massachusetts senator then ripped the microphone from its stand and, purposely extending her arm, dropped it in front of the room, seemingly enjoying the stunned facial expressions from the onlookers.

Realizing he was the last to speak -- and that he was running short on time -- “The Bern” elbowed everyone out of the way and reached down to pick up the mic and grumbled in his gravelly northeastern dialect as the room began to empty. “All’s I got to say is, those Trump racists couldn’t stop our Green New Deal and then if you’re sick, you should be able to go to the doc-ta. And who the hell knows who’s gonna pay for it. Just do it!”

Biden slowly recognized that the space was cleared and he needed to end the presentation. “That’s all, folks! See ya tomorrow! We’ll have a completely new set of guests to fill us in on the latest corona-stuff. I’ve personally invited Whoopi Goldberg and the other gals from ‘The View’ to give us a lecture on maintaining distancing and the latest info on how you can snitch on violators. Tootle-oo!”

--No one can be sure what Biden and Democrats would really say if they replaced President Trump and his capable coronavirus task force, but you can be sure it would be truth-challenged and loaded with political malarkey. What else would you expect?

Take today’s polls with a grain (block?) of salt

Just like no one could accurately predict what Grampa Joe Biden would do or say if he were in the president’s shoes in the White House briefing room, there’s simply no way to know for sure how people will perceive the candidates come November.

Stunningly, one recent survey showed Biden gaining ground in two key swing states. David M. Drucker reported at The Washington Examiner, “Joe Biden more than doubled President Trump among voters in Michigan and Pennsylvania who said they plan to switch sides this November from the candidate they supported in 2016, according to two new polls from Fox News.

“In Michigan, a state Trump won by just 0.23 percentage points, 7% of voters who described themselves as backing Trump over Democrat Hillary Clinton said they planned to vote for the former vice president, who is the presumptive Democratic nominee. Only 3% of Clinton voters said they planned to support Trump's reelection bid this November.

“In Pennsylvania, another critical battleground for Trump, Biden had similar support among Trump 2016 voters, with 8% saying they would back the former vice president. Just as in Michigan, a paltry 3% of Clinton voters said they would pull the lever for the president. In a state Trump won by less than 1 point, small movements such as this could prove significant to the outcome.”

Of course such a scenario would prove significant to the outcome if it were to actually come to fruition. Drucker additionally pointed out that there was a fairly noteworthy margin of error for the vote switcher sample and the questioning was done to registered voters instead of the much more reliable likely voter group.

Biden hasn’t done anything to earn anyone’s vote and Trump, if he’s turned anyone off, has plenty of time to reverse the trend. Sooner or later the two will face off against each other and here's thinking doddering Joe won’t come away as too impressive in people’s minds. Trump may not earn many crossover votes but Americans will be less than motivated to make a big push for a Grampa Joe presidency.

It's not hard to see who Biden would surround himself with. Whitmer has been described as a leading choice for his running mate and lots of commentators think he’ll tab Kamala Harris as his Attorney General. It’ll be a bad day for the country if either rumor turned out to be true.

If Joe Biden truly were president it’s safe to say a lot of people would take a realistic look at his leadership qualities and find them lacking. It’s one thing to isolate yourself in a coronavirus-proof bunker; it’s quite another to face the hostile media every day and still come out looking like a winner. That’s President Trump.

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