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Assault on America, Day 611: Joe Biden preps to hit the road, but will anyone go to listen to him?

Biden in Kenosha
Betting odds, “Joe Hiden” and going straight from the practice field to the Super Bowl


In “normal” (is there such a thing anymore?) presidential election years, most Americans would pause during the Labor Day holiday to take a rest from politics before the all-out fury of the fall campaign to come. But a respite from the contentious environment engulfing the nation in 2020 doesn’t look to be in the cards this time. With the fate of the nation possibly on the ballot in two months, there’s no opportunity to kick-it at the beach and not be concerned about the future.

The candidates themselves are (supposedly) primed and ready to go, and judging by the rancor and insults that both President Donald Trump and challenger Joe Biden are exchanging, it’s bound to be one heck of a nasty battle, one that should disprove the notion that 2016 was a once-in-a-lifetime unpleasant election for the politically timid.

Whatever the polls might say, the betting odds are starting to edge towards the incumbent, which is bound to foster unease among the liberal party brain trust.  Seth McLaughlin reported at The Washington Times, “Joseph R. Biden is assuming a bigger presence on the campaign trail, shifting away from his basement-dwelling strategy in a tightening race with President Trump roughly two months from Election Day…

“’It appears that the RNC messaging — softer image for Trump and ‘law and order’ — has resonated somewhat,’ said Patrick Murray, director of the Monmouth University Polling Institute. ‘Biden is now countering that. But obviously, since he just started, we can’t know if it is working yet.’ Bookies took note, according to betting aggregators at US-Bookies.com who said Wednesday that for the first time since early June, Mr. Trump is the favorite to win a second four-year term…

“Mr. Trump, meanwhile, has always been eager to return to traditional campaign mode and hold rallies with his fervent supporters. He has ridiculed Mr. Biden’s low-profile approach and goaded him to be more visible, confident the former vice president will crack under brighter lights. Before an event Wednesday in North Carolina, Mr. Trump dubbed the Democratic presidential nominee ‘Joe Hiden.’”

Clever, isn’t it? It’s almost like “Joe Hiden” is catchier and more memorable than “Crooked Hillary” was four years ago. For what it’s worth, the betting odds at Real Clear Politics yesterday showed the race at 50-50. But the message is clear: as the horserace hits its home stretch, both candidates are very much in the game and they’re competing not so much to attract new voters who haven’t yet made up their minds as they are working overtime to ensure every single potential partisan voter turns out to cast a ballot.

Trump’s strategy has been transparent for a long time. The president hopes to replicate his aggressive and successful 2016 rallies to the greatest extent possible under the Chinese Communist Party (CCP, or Wuhan, if you prefer) virus lockdowns while touting his pre-coronavirus economic policies. He’ll also fiercely defend his administration’s virus response while placing responsibility for the world leading number of cases and deaths at the feet of blue state governors and mayors who inflated the tragedy by sending infected individuals into senior care facilities.

Further, these same liberal politicians placed stringent restrictions on businesses and individuals, purportedly to save lives. After six months of experience with COVID-19, it’s plainly evident that it’s not an equal opportunity killer (meaning, the elderly and sick are most at risk), yet the universal regulations remain in many spots. Unless you’re Nancy Pelosi, of course.

And then there’s law and order, an issue tailor-made for Republicans -- and Trump especially. It’s no secret to those paying attention that Donald Trump backs the police, and he’s made his enthusiasm for the good guys in blue conspicuously apparent since day one. Tight law enforcement was a major part of his immigration-based message, and controlling America’s streets goes along with it.

Then there’s Grampa Joe, a half-century “experienced” swamp dweller who’s been for and against practically every contentious issue for decades. The Delaware pol was once known as a “moderate” (he wasn’t) on policing and criminal justice, but now Biden’s completely thrown-in with the Black Lives Matter crowd. He’s emerging from his basement hideout to combat the image that he’s too old and decrepit to handle the job as president.

“Ask yourself, do I look like a radical socialist with a soft spot for rioters?” Biden said the other day. Since none of the few reporters in attendance gave Joe the dignity of answering him, I will. Yes, Joe, you do look like a radical socialist when you hang out with Bernie Sanders and Alexandria-Ocasio Cortez (among others). Sanders himself bragged that a Biden administration would be even more “progressive” than was Obama’s. That’s saying a lot.

As far as a “soft spot for rioters”, we all know Biden’s overtly racial pitch fits right in with those marching and shouting and thrusting their fists in the air, who merely supply cover for the anarchists and rioters imbedded among them. The latter group may be much smaller in number, but they’re out there -- and blue state mayors and governors aren’t inclined to do whatever is needed to stop them. Democrats and liberals love the saying “By any means necessary” when it comes to social change, but they shrink from the mantra in ending the violence.

What was it that finally spurred Grampa Joe to agree to leave the comfortable confines of his basement bunker? Will he now make regular appearances on the campaign trail, all the while risking his polling lead in his attempt to keep gaffes to a tolerable level? Biden’s Democrat primary campaigning was cut short due to COVID-19. Now he’s going back to the grind with precious little practice in recent months.

I doubt a pro football team would go straight from the pre-season practice field to the Super Bowl. But these are unusual times we live in.

The moment Joe Biden realized he needed to go on the road to campaign…

Deep within the heart of Joe Biden’s residence the morning after Donald Trump’s acceptance speech to the Republican National Convention last week:

Bbbuuuuzzzzz. (Loudly blaring recognizable tune with a slight lyrical change) “Hit the Road, Joe! And don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more -- Hit the Road, Joe! And don’t you come back no mmmooooorrrreee.”

“What the heck is that?” Joe Biden shouted to no one in particular. Up to that moment, the Democrat nominee was snuggling comfortably with his fuzzy oversized stuffed Biden-Harris pillow that son Hunter hired one of his pals in China to make for him, content to sleep away the a.m. hours like he’d done for over five months now. The bedroom was finely decked out in White House living quarters décor, a gift from his old boss and bosom chum Barack Obama as a favor, to get the man used to greeting a new day in his future home.

Joe didn’t realize it, but Obama had solicited funds from major Democrat donors for the project, intending to minimize the 78-year-old mentally slipping president’s shock when he’s called to move to a new environment. As everyone knows, Biden’s served in Washington since the early 70’s but his official residence always remained in Delaware, where he commuted to-and-fro using AMTRAK. At Joe’s age, it’s not easy to make a transition, is it?

“Good morning, Joe, and ain’t it a loooveely morning?” Biden swore he’d heard the greeting said just like that in the foggiest reaches of his memory, but resisted answering in the same way the old woman did in the wonderfully non-politically correct Blazing Saddles, circa 1971. (click here, if you dare). He already had enough problems with race as it was… why fan the flames?

The phony and forced cheerful voice belonged to running mate Kamala Harris. The mask-less VP nominee personally selected the alarm music to get Joe in the proper mindset for the coming weeks. She wasn’t the least bit taken aback by seeing Biden in his PJs, especially after talking with his Secret Service detail about him. The female agents relayed vivid stories about how the president-in-waiting had a fondness for skinny dipping.

She was relieved he was wearing anything at all.

“You gotta get up, Joe. We need to get you used to campaigning again. That devil Trump is going around the country speaking at airport hangars and telling everyone that you’re too lazy to conduct a traditional campaign. I can handle some of the load for you, but I don’t want to do everything.”

Noticing an unused mask lying crumpled on the floor, Harris added, “Don’t forget to put that thing on. You got to get accustomed to wearing it 24/7, Joe. It’s your patriotic duty, right? How else are we gonna be able to keep lecturing people.”

Pfft,” Biden replied, not yet fully awake and wondering whether he could just close his peepers and snooze another hour or two without anyone noticing. Just then Harris prodded him with a yardstick she’d brought with her, wary that the old man might lash out at her like a nursing home patient who didn’t take kindly to his change in schedule. Joe paused a moment to rub his eyes, then arose with his back and knees audibly creaking under the strain.

“I’ll give you seven minutes to get dressed and come downstairs. Don’t let me down, Joe,” Harris advised as she left the room, typical annoyance in her voice. Biden heard the loudness of her footsteps as she traipsed with purpose down the hallway, then skipped playfully down the wooden staircase.

Kamala sighed and looked at those gathered around the large circular table in the kitchen nook. “He’s coming,” she smiled wryly and apologetically, feeling stupid for having to play nursemaid to another much older man. ‘I thought I was done doing this when I dumped Willie Brown all those years ago,’ she thought. (Brown was over thirty-years older than Harris when they “dated” while he was technically still married in the mid 1990’s.)

Harris took a seat. Fittingly, there was no one to her left, the chair reserved for Biden himself. To her right were, in order, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren and, dropping in for a quick cup o’ Joe, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo.

“Oh, Andy,” Harris giggled like a starstruck teenaged schoolgirl. “I didn’t know you were gonna be here. We invited Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, since she’s the de facto ruler of the Empire State these days. But now that you’re here, what are you planning to tell Joe?”

I wanna tell Joe that Trump better have an army if he thinks he’s gonna walk down the street in New York. New Yorkers don’t want to have anything to do with him. He can’t have enough bodyguards to walk through New York City. People don’t want to have anything to do with him.” Cuomo replied matter-of-factly, drumming his thumbs on the placemat.

The meeting attendees silently nodded in unison. Rather than being put-off and startled at the man’s overt threat to the president of the United States, they approved of the promise of future bodily harm. Obama thought to himself, but dared not speak his feelings. ‘Cuomo is Italian, right? Well, he certainly looks and sounds like a mafioso, so maybe he’s got a hit for Trump lined-up already.’ He grinned at the prospect. Didn’t Mario Puzo (in The Godfather) say, “Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.”?

At that moment Biden appeared at the bottom of the stairs and gingerly staggered to the table with his top shirt buttons undone and sat down next to Harris. He slumped noticeably in his chair. Joe didn’t like being told what to do.

Losing his patience, Obama blurted out, “Joe, you gotta get out on the campaign trail. Trump and his henchmen are totally taking over the law and order issue. (Glancing at Wheeler) Our local people are dropping the ball on this violence thing and if we don’t get out there and scare the feces out of people about the coronavirus again, they’re gonna start wanting to reelect Trump. That can’t happen.”

Pelosi interjected. “Yeah, the big O is correct. The country isn’t talking about the China virus anymore. It’s almost like they don’t care. (Looking right at Wheeler) They’d rather fixate on stupid and misleading videos of buildings burning and those young people celebrating our country by lighting fireworks and shining lights in house windows and lasers at the police.

“I mean, I could walk right in and get a hair appointment without even wearing a mask and no one would say a thing, would they? All of us don’t practice what we preach and the suckers -- I mean voters -- are getting wise to us. I could tell them to go eat cake again, but they’d probably just enjoy the food and forget all about us. The ruse is over. You have to convince them that they’re all about to drop dead if they go outside of their homes, Joe.”

“Stop picking on me!” Ted ‘the worm’ Wheeler whined embarrassingly. “I told those little snots ‘Enough is enough.’ They don’t listen to me. I’m moving out of Portland, but Joe, maybe a visit or two will convince them to stop terrorizing everyone, particularly us Democrats. I fear Antifa is getting out of control. They might shoot somebody. We’re gonna get Trump reelected if we’re not careful.”

No longer able to contain herself, “Pocahontas” dribbled, “Joe, I told you I should’ve been your VP choice. I’d treat you better than her (thrusting her finger at Harris, who looked shocked)! I’ll go out on the road with you. Where I come from, we call it a trail. Not a ‘campaign’ trail. Together we’ll light a ceremonial fire and do some dancin’ ‘round it. Maybe have us a beer because we’re regular folks. We’ll stop these riots by fashioning about two million peace pipes and stuffing them with reefer we buy locally in Portland with party money. I know just where to go! Or maybe Ted can point us in the right direction. We’ll give Trump the tomahawk, just like Andy would in New York City!”

Biden yawned, then began mumbling. Clearing his throat, he said, “I told everyone that I’ve avoided in-person campaigning because I didn’t want to spread the virus. People are starting to see that’s malarkey. So next week, I’ll go to Pittsburgh. And Kenosha. And after Labor Day, I’ll try to get out more. For now, get out of here. I’ve got a massage scheduled and it’s gonna be pretty dang hot outside today and the pool beckons. Anyone wanna join me for a dip? No bathing suit required. I promise I won’t pull a JFK on ya.”

--With the campaign seemingly having started months ago, Labor Day will not mark the beginning of the presidential election season this year. Joe Biden says he’s planning to start campaigning like a normal candidate would, but there are questions on how much he can handle. Meanwhile, Trump has seized the initiative. It will be bumpy from here on out.

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