PRESS RELEASE   Establishment Republican Party (ERP) The Nelson Rockefeller Building K Street Washington, D.C. 20005 (202) GET-PORC

BREAKING: Establishment Republicans Break to Form New Third Party!

-- Abandoned by the grassroots, disenfranchised GOPers break ranks –

-- Crist enthused, Bennett contemplates, Specter may join! --

Washington, D.C. (May 20^th 2010) – In a bold preemptive move in anticipation of Tea Partiers, conservatives, and other regular Americans taking over the Republican Party, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele today announced the Republican Party is itself forming a third party for establishment Republicans.

“Reading The Washington Post, we didn’t see it coming, but it is now evident to the professional consultants and lobbyists who have been running the Republican Party that we are about to be betrayed by the voters,” said Steele.  “No establishment Republican incumbent is safe, so we decided to go the third-party route.”

“Rather than go through the grueling process of primaries where we’re losing badly, incumbent establishment Republicans see this new third party, which we’ve named the Establishment Republican Party (ERP), as the future of big government,” continued outgoing RNC Chairman Steele.  “The Democrats have shown their incompetence, but many of us in the GOP can’t stomach the Tea Partiers and other grassroots conservatives, who insist we stand for something.  Isn’t being against the Democrats good enough anymore?”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “I’m quite comfortable hand-picking my colleagues myself, and this Tea Party thing seems almost too impolite for this Kentucky gentleman.”

Florida Republican Governor and Independent candidate for U.S. Senate, Charlie Crist, emphatically agreed in third person.  “Charlie Crist is tired of not knowing from day to day what he should stand for or whose campaign money to take.  It sounds like ERP was made just for Charlie Crist, and Charlie Crist certainly likes that.”

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter was quick to comment after his defeat in the Democratic primary. “People outside the Beltway don’t appreciate how difficult it is for repeat party switchers like me to live up to the standards of any political party, which is why I welcome ERP for a second – no, third chance.”

Reaction from Wall Street was immediate, as the Street began pumping money into ERP to begin balancing out its donations to Democrats.  “Crony capitalism could not survive under a principled Republican Party,” said one bank executive.

Steele marveled at his choice for the new third party logo, the porcus, saying it reflected the basic essence of ERP.

“We have a big-trough porcine philosophy,” said Steele.  “Our grow-government approach is slower than the Democrats, but that doesn’t mean our candidates have principles.  We believe in compassionate crony capitalism, compassionate constitutionalism, compassionate bipartisanship, and compassionate establishmentarianism.  Our motto should be ‘compassion trumps principle every day.’  Maybe one of the consultants can work that into our next fundraising ad.”

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